Is it " Midlife Crisis" or A new chapter?

I was never a topper in my class. An average student in a convent school.

 Someone who cried if the teacher shouted at her and always believed in the chapters of moral science.

If anything mattered to me , it was my Mom. My mom would pat my back if I won a medal in athletics or got a good in my test. Today when I look back I think how I have been trying to fit into the matrix of being the best daughter, best friend and never actually explored what if I was not anyone of this.

With mom gone I often struggle what my actual identity is.

Few days back a graduation friend of mine said " Monica , you are among the most successful people of our batch".

I was taken aback (not in a happy way). Cause I am not happy and doing my job (got it of course after lots of hard work). 

A question has been haunting me since then.

"Is being successful in professional life actually criteria to having a fulfilling life"

If I am not wrong most of people call these feelings of mine "midlife crisis".

But I feel nothing makes sense as of late after I lost my mother.

I am still looking for answers.

To be honest, I don't like this state where nothing in my life is planned.

Being a high order organizer, Its very frustrating. ( Lots of you will vibe with this thought).

Not hopeful, but I know I will figure out something.

Heart no more!

 It's been long since I penned down anything....

But today, its important to write not for anyone else but me.

Lost so many things in this duration of 5 years that I no more identify myself as the same person I used to be.

Perspective toward things and life changed like a new season. But I don't know this season of life.

I am scared to take another step,

I am alien to how to start living my life,

It's like I am reborn again looking at the world with a new lens.

what was supposed to be a period of clarity is the most confusing time of my life.

It won't be contradicting to say that I understand the deeper meaning of things and has understood the importance of small things that I often ignored.

But I feel, at what cost.

Loosing my mother to Covid has taken away everything from me.

I no more feel sense in pursuits of life that made meaning to me a year back.

I am looking for that safe haven again. 

Not hopeful but waiting for time to show what new it has stored for me.