Is it " Midlife Crisis" or A new chapter?

I was never a topper in my class. An average student in a convent school.

 Someone who cried if the teacher shouted at her and always believed in the chapters of moral science.

If anything mattered to me , it was my Mom. My mom would pat my back if I won a medal in athletics or got a good in my test. Today when I look back I think how I have been trying to fit into the matrix of being the best daughter, best friend and never actually explored what if I was not anyone of this.

With mom gone I often struggle what my actual identity is.

Few days back a graduation friend of mine said " Monica , you are among the most successful people of our batch".

I was taken aback (not in a happy way). Cause I am not happy and doing my job (got it of course after lots of hard work). 

A question has been haunting me since then.

"Is being successful in professional life actually criteria to having a fulfilling life"

If I am not wrong most of people call these feelings of mine "midlife crisis".

But I feel nothing makes sense as of late after I lost my mother.

I am still looking for answers.

To be honest, I don't like this state where nothing in my life is planned.

Being a high order organizer, Its very frustrating. ( Lots of you will vibe with this thought).

Not hopeful, but I know I will figure out something.