Musings of an overthinker and Forgetful being!!!!!

I happen to go through my old posts today and I was astonished at how beautifully I had put down my feelings into words that touches every bubble of my memories. Also, it brings a feeling of resentment to my present self as to why have I haven't followed through and wrote more irrespective of life's happenings. How could I be so distant from my true self to even do what I like. Anyways, I am back to writing. I don't know or how long but this time I want to write as much as I can breaking my own records and being out there. The fear of judgement, writer's block nothing can stop me cause recently I realized we all are nothing but fragments of an atom floating in space and waiting for our chance to explode.  In my writings , I have often stressed on loving self and being wise to always chose yourself but how often do I myself do that. Not sure but few times. Seeing my mother always putting us in front ahead of her own needs, was not good for us at kids at the end of the da...

  Writing is of essence to every emotion we feel, how difficult it may be to process something, it always has a way to sink in through unspoken words. All of our life, we underestimate ourselves that we cannot take pain, even a sight of someone hurting, pokes a deep pain in your heart. But when life throws unexpected issues or sadness towards us, we as nature's creation, take it on and do it full justice.  However, then, there are people like me who never truly feel the emotion at the moment and try be the strongest in the room and eventually pass the time with a numb tingling at the back of the mind. For those moments, I am my own made up version of Superwoman who has seen it all and can bear it all. Then strikes a wave, with strong currents of remorse, anger, guilt and other unspoken emotions that haunt my being in the moments of solitude.  I often feel, is it a superpower or a curse that I roll in these waves with no control of the depths those emotions take me into. I...

what is the relationship that you carry with yourself but don't follow the same rules when you are involved with others.  The relationship in which you are involved with yourself ,you and your inner voice always adjusts to the external factors with rebel kid having a squeaky voice in background that is 99% of time unheard.  You often think tomorrow I will do this for myself and that tomorrow never comes cause in this type of relationship. You are never your own priority. This is often seen in women( speaking from experience on this earth, no reference to other genders) , for them they are the last priority and thus relationship with themselves get dissolved with time. Its always them over YOU. Isn't it. But why? The saddest part is over a period of time you forget who is the other you in this relationship, is it me or someone I knew few years back. You spend most of the years remembering the other YOU who was fun, charismatic and many more things you desire today.  If I c...

 Death, one word which halts our fast pacing life for a long second and makes us question "what we are doing with our life". Amongst all the things that a human wants to do in their life and talk about, is to reminiscence about their personal loss. Death is a silence which not only happens when someone dies, but also the day we die. Everyday our wishes, our thoughts, our confidence and our spirit to be a child dies.  So many people in this wide world are already dead. They are just waiting for their breath to stop and their mind to go on mute. To run away from being identified as dead most people do things that make them so exhausted that they have no time to mourn of their own death.

We have been conditioned as people who have always looked upto our parents whenever we have come across a decision or situation that's alien to us. Today ,while writing this I didn't plan on writing it but it's a kind of heaviness in my heart which feels so burdening which has made me write this heavy post. I have been from time and time taught by life that things will not go as planned. I like a stubborn child get impatient for some time,then a 30 age bracket clock strikes my mind and I am again a matured lady. I miss you mom at days like this when life's too busy and enjoying in teaching me how I have to patiently wait in queue for what I deserve cause it will happen at its own time. I miss you on days when I just want to give up and you would ask me "how about a cup of tea" and just like that after that cup of tea I would feel better. I mis you on days mom when I feel I am going to spend my life alone and you say to me ,"you don't worry...

I was never a topper in my class. An average student in a convent school.  Someone who cried if the teacher shouted at her and always believed in the chapters of moral science. If anything mattered to me , it was my Mom. My mom would pat my back if I won a medal in athletics or got a good in my test. Today when I look back I think how I have been trying to fit into the matrix of being the best daughter, best friend and never actually explored what if I was not anyone of this. With mom gone I often struggle what my actual identity is. Few days back a graduation friend of mine said " Monica , you are among the most successful people of our batch". I was taken aback (not in a happy way). Cause I am not happy and doing my job (got it of course after lots of hard work).  A question has been haunting me since then. "Is being successful in professional life actually criteria to having a fulfilling life" If I am not wrong most of people call these feelings of mine "mi...