Relationship: Symphony of Give and Take and other things

what is the relationship that you carry with yourself but don't follow the same rules when you are involved with others. 

The relationship in which you are involved with yourself ,you and your inner voice always adjusts to the external factors with rebel kid having a squeaky voice in background that is 99% of time unheard. 

You often think tomorrow I will do this for myself and that tomorrow never comes cause in this type of relationship. You are never your own priority. This is often seen in women( speaking from experience on this earth, no reference to other genders) , for them they are the last priority and thus relationship with themselves get dissolved with time. Its always them over YOU. Isn't it. But why?

The saddest part is over a period of time you forget who is the other you in this relationship, is it me or someone I knew few years back. You spend most of the years remembering the other YOU who was fun, charismatic and many more things you desire today. 

If I could say"Hello" to my older self today, I don't think I will have that confidence to even stand in front of her. She was fierce, wanted to achieve so much, knew how to be happy, knew how to make friends. When she stepped in a room, she had that charisma to turn heads. Such was other "ME". But I now realize, I no more see her. 

The other day someone asked me "What do I like to eat". I thought to myself taking a long pause.

This situation has not come in one day, it is a segregation of several seconds that I spent neglecting myself and following others when I really didn't want to. The funniest part is "No one asked me to do all those things " , I did it bound by my experience of seeing generations of women doing it forever in my family.

The bird realised it got wings, flew and then came back to ground and forgot she has wings. 

I often wonder if those relationships we share with others are purely give and take. It even hurts to see a flower given in expectation of receiving a flower. Moving into my thirties, I now realise I have not evolved physically but relationships have evolved as well. 

I as a person, never appreciated give and take of a relationship. It should be without any expectations of receiving anything in return but respect and good behaviour at the least. 

Cause If I want a flower, I can buy myself one. 

It just teaches me one thing, I need to be loyal in my relationship with "ME".

Cause at the end of day, its only YOU and YOU together.

Death is a Silence

 Death, one word which halts our fast pacing life for a long second and makes us question "what we are doing with our life".

Amongst all the things that a human wants to do in their life and talk about, is to reminiscence about their personal loss. Death is a silence which not only happens when someone dies, but also the day we die. Everyday our wishes, our thoughts, our confidence and our spirit to be a child dies. 

So many people in this wide world are already dead. They are just waiting for their breath to stop and their mind to go on mute. To run away from being identified as dead most people do things that make them so exhausted that they have no time to mourn of their own death.

I miss you Mom on the days...

We have been conditioned as people who have always looked upto our parents whenever we have come across a decision or situation that's alien to us.

Today ,while writing this I didn't plan on writing it but it's a kind of heaviness in my heart which feels so burdening which has made me write this heavy post.

I have been from time and time taught by life that things will not go as planned.

I like a stubborn child get impatient for some time,then a 30 age bracket clock strikes my mind and I am again a matured lady.

I miss you mom at days like this when life's too busy and enjoying in teaching me how I have to patiently wait in queue for what I deserve cause it will happen at its own time.

I miss you on days when I just want to give up and you would ask me "how about a cup of tea" and just like that after that cup of tea I would feel better.

I mis you on days mom when I feel I am going to spend my life alone and you say to me ,"you don't worry, eventually things workout and if it doesn't we will figure it out together".

I crave that companionship.

I miss our orange parties in this spring of February which we used to relish sitting outside in our verandah.

I got a dog mom, I remember how you would say a dog will never come.I wish I didnt  listen to you then.I miss you on days when I thank God for sending Lucky,our dog into our life.

I miss you in nights,when I wake up from a dreaded dream looking out for that warmness to calm me down. But you are nowhere to be found.😔

I wish to meet you soon and complain, tell and share all my heart desires and happenings.

You are truly being missed.

Love you mom💗

Is it " Midlife Crisis" or A new chapter?

I was never a topper in my class. An average student in a convent school.

 Someone who cried if the teacher shouted at her and always believed in the chapters of moral science.

If anything mattered to me , it was my Mom. My mom would pat my back if I won a medal in athletics or got a good in my test. Today when I look back I think how I have been trying to fit into the matrix of being the best daughter, best friend and never actually explored what if I was not anyone of this.

With mom gone I often struggle what my actual identity is.

Few days back a graduation friend of mine said " Monica , you are among the most successful people of our batch".

I was taken aback (not in a happy way). Cause I am not happy and doing my job (got it of course after lots of hard work). 

A question has been haunting me since then.

"Is being successful in professional life actually criteria to having a fulfilling life"

If I am not wrong most of people call these feelings of mine "midlife crisis".

But I feel nothing makes sense as of late after I lost my mother.

I am still looking for answers.

To be honest, I don't like this state where nothing in my life is planned.

Being a high order organizer, Its very frustrating. ( Lots of you will vibe with this thought).

Not hopeful, but I know I will figure out something.

Heart no more!

 It's been long since I penned down anything....

But today, its important to write not for anyone else but me.

Lost so many things in this duration of 5 years that I no more identify myself as the same person I used to be.

Perspective toward things and life changed like a new season. But I don't know this season of life.

I am scared to take another step,

I am alien to how to start living my life,

It's like I am reborn again looking at the world with a new lens.

what was supposed to be a period of clarity is the most confusing time of my life.

It won't be contradicting to say that I understand the deeper meaning of things and has understood the importance of small things that I often ignored.

But I feel, at what cost.

Loosing my mother to Covid has taken away everything from me.

I no more feel sense in pursuits of life that made meaning to me a year back.

I am looking for that safe haven again. 

Not hopeful but waiting for time to show what new it has stored for me.

Life and other things..

Today I completed reading the very famous book by a very renowned writer, Khaled Hosseini. He is not the one who wrote to be a best seller, but he wrote selfishly for himself. The name of the book is"A Thousand Splendid Suns". After I finished reading the book, the very first thought that came to my mind was 

                                       "It opened the closed doors"

 I felt a very deep lingering pain that I had subsumed inside a part of my heart years ago. 

Violence against women, when they were treated as animals, only used for having sex and bearing babies especially boys.We have come so far. 

But while reading the novel, my heart cried for the pain and struggle women have been through even after India got freedom and the constitution came into being on 26th January 1950 (even though as per writer it was all happening in Afghanistan). The fight for freedom for women has still not finished but yes has enabled some bright stars to come out of hue and shine brightly.

I recall how Mariam was punished by her husband of 50 yrs for not bearing a baby at the age of fifteen.She went through several  cycles of bearing a baby but was unable to have one.

One day Rasheed threw the food on the floor and stashed coal pieces into her mouth,

 forcing her to eat them to tell her how the food tasted which led to her loss of teeth.

Me, being a women myself have personally witnessed such incidences when the women have cried for mercy from her husband when food was not cooked properly or not served on time, when she was not allowed to keep a mobile phone or even look at another man.When a girl is educated and  

puts her views forward in society and hence called shameless and characterless by the so called judges of society.

 A women who gives all her life for her family without questioning the work time, starting from early morning cup of tea to serving each and every member of her family.It  brings me great pain today to know the real reality of women behind those close doors and superficial feminist talks of women being equal to men. 

I feel the suffering of women who quietly every night go to bed and are sexually and emotionally assaulted by their husbands, just because it is their right to do so.

I know I might be sounding a feminist, but for the example sake we need not look farther, but in the other room of our house where our women are working day and night selflessly and being treated like an object that is good enough to take care of home and maintain gardens rather than raising her voice and putting their views forward. 

I hope women in Afghanistan whose faces are covered with veil are well protected and have gained courage to accept the reality of life and tried to educate the coming generations cause the present is too good to be mended...

A women is like a flower which needs to be cared for,

her fragrance fills up the dark rooms and brightens the life cared for

for if not done she turns into a thorn 

than can ruin the dynasties like draupadi

or bring heaven to earth like Mother Teresa.....

I hope you did not forget this?

She was like a wind

That many tried to capture her in a jar

But no one actually owned her

There was something wrong about her

 that attracted men of good nature....

So many times in life, we run after certain things that seem fit for us whether in terms of friendships, relationship or our future decisions. 

But have we stopped and thought what are those standards that we use to decide upon what is right or wrong for us.

Being loved by someone and loving them back is one important decision that we make in life but then when we set our standards straight why do we have failed relationships.

 Now, you would say things such as love fades, too many expectations and wrong perception of the person we fall in love with.

But do you really think love is small enough to be shaken by such reasons.

Why do we look at other person to feel completed or make them the soul source of our happiness? Why not find happiness within self and give abundant of it in back.

I go through various articles throughout the day where certain factors are talked about how to be good in relationships or how to love for a change.

 

But in spite of a vast pool of advice, what I strongly feel the first step is you need to love yourself, develop a passion that gives you a purpose to wake up every morning and love life.

I have been through such a stage in life where one person has been center of my universe but I did not realize I was burdening them with a very big responsibility to make me feel happy and loved. Shall it have made me happy, no readers, it complicated things cause I forgot its my sole responsibility to keep myself happy not others.

Readers, if you love someone or have friends, family that are dear to you give them the gift of taking your own responsibility to be happy, love life and give back love in abundant by truly loving yourself first.

Meditate, read, learn new things, challenge yourself, travel alone, play any sport and stay fit and you shall experience great joy which shall also serve your dear to heart relationships. 

Give yourself a chance readers by believing in yourself. Trust me we all have that one gift that awaits us to unleash it.

There was something wrong about her

that attracted men of good nature

She was so complete in herself,

That like a soothing wind gave freshness,

To whoever came in its way

Embracing all the beautiful things

 Like a glittery sky,

Showering beautiful reflections of happiness….