Musings of an overthinker and Forgetful being!!!!!

 It was one of those winter mornings where all a person can do was sense the moving vehicles around with that irritating noise and the smell of burning fuels around. Winters were not same. They were indeed foggy but not that makes you realise how beautiful winters can be, brutal yet soft on heart. "Why in this world did my parents choose to settle in this city?? the disappointment mixed with anger had been the new normal for Kanith. "Then again, where will I be if not here", Kanith was talking to himself, busy in his thoughts waiting for his chance at the fuel station. Today was like any other day except today he was missing his childhood more than usual. "I wish I had lived more of those times when I could sit on swings, my dad pushing me to reach heights of the last leaf of the mango tree, Dad I miss you" A loud voice knocked on the glasses. "Sir, this line is for diesel, please move to next line for Petrol".  Kanith in his disappointing voice said,...

I happen to go through my old posts today and I was astonished at how beautifully I had put down my feelings into words that touches every bubble of my memories. Also, it brings a feeling of resentment to my present self as to why have I haven't followed through and wrote more irrespective of life's happenings. How could I be so distant from my true self to even do what I like. Anyways, I am back to writing. I don't know or how long but this time I want to write as much as I can breaking my own records and being out there. The fear of judgement, writer's block nothing can stop me cause recently I realized we all are nothing but fragments of an atom floating in space and waiting for our chance to explode.  In my writings , I have often stressed on loving self and being wise to always chose yourself but how often do I myself do that. Not sure but few times. Seeing my mother always putting us in front ahead of her own needs, was not good for us at kids at the end of the da...

  Writing is of essence to every emotion we feel, how difficult it may be to process something, it always has a way to sink in through unspoken words. All of our life, we underestimate ourselves that we cannot take pain, even a sight of someone hurting, pokes a deep pain in your heart. But when life throws unexpected issues or sadness towards us, we as nature's creation, take it on and do it full justice.  However, then, there are people like me who never truly feel the emotion at the moment and try be the strongest in the room and eventually pass the time with a numb tingling at the back of the mind. For those moments, I am my own made up version of Superwoman who has seen it all and can bear it all. Then strikes a wave, with strong currents of remorse, anger, guilt and other unspoken emotions that haunt my being in the moments of solitude.  I often feel, is it a superpower or a curse that I roll in these waves with no control of the depths those emotions take me into. I...

what is the relationship that you carry with yourself but don't follow the same rules when you are involved with others.  The relationship in which you are involved with yourself ,you and your inner voice always adjusts to the external factors with rebel kid having a squeaky voice in background that is 99% of time unheard.  You often think tomorrow I will do this for myself and that tomorrow never comes cause in this type of relationship. You are never your own priority. This is often seen in women( speaking from experience on this earth, no reference to other genders) , for them they are the last priority and thus relationship with themselves get dissolved with time. Its always them over YOU. Isn't it. But why? The saddest part is over a period of time you forget who is the other you in this relationship, is it me or someone I knew few years back. You spend most of the years remembering the other YOU who was fun, charismatic and many more things you desire today.  If I c...

 Death, one word which halts our fast pacing life for a long second and makes us question "what we are doing with our life". Amongst all the things that a human wants to do in their life and talk about, is to reminiscence about their personal loss. Death is a silence which not only happens when someone dies, but also the day we die. Everyday our wishes, our thoughts, our confidence and our spirit to be a child dies.  So many people in this wide world are already dead. They are just waiting for their breath to stop and their mind to go on mute. To run away from being identified as dead most people do things that make them so exhausted that they have no time to mourn of their own death.

We have been conditioned as people who have always looked upto our parents whenever we have come across a decision or situation that's alien to us. Today ,while writing this I didn't plan on writing it but it's a kind of heaviness in my heart which feels so burdening which has made me write this heavy post. I have been from time and time taught by life that things will not go as planned. I like a stubborn child get impatient for some time,then a 30 age bracket clock strikes my mind and I am again a matured lady. I miss you mom at days like this when life's too busy and enjoying in teaching me how I have to patiently wait in queue for what I deserve cause it will happen at its own time. I miss you on days when I just want to give up and you would ask me "how about a cup of tea" and just like that after that cup of tea I would feel better. I mis you on days mom when I feel I am going to spend my life alone and you say to me ,"you don't worry...

I was never a topper in my class. An average student in a convent school.  Someone who cried if the teacher shouted at her and always believed in the chapters of moral science. If anything mattered to me , it was my Mom. My mom would pat my back if I won a medal in athletics or got a good in my test. Today when I look back I think how I have been trying to fit into the matrix of being the best daughter, best friend and never actually explored what if I was not anyone of this. With mom gone I often struggle what my actual identity is. Few days back a graduation friend of mine said " Monica , you are among the most successful people of our batch". I was taken aback (not in a happy way). Cause I am not happy and doing my job (got it of course after lots of hard work).  A question has been haunting me since then. "Is being successful in professional life actually criteria to having a fulfilling life" If I am not wrong most of people call these feelings of mine "mi...

 It's been long since I penned down anything.... But today, its important to write not for anyone else but me. Lost so many things in this duration of 5 years that I no more identify myself as the same person I used to be. Perspective toward things and life changed like a new season. But I don't know this season of life. I am scared to take another step, I am alien to how to start living my life, It's like I am reborn again looking at the world with a new lens. what was supposed to be a period of clarity is the most confusing time of my life. It won't be contradicting to say that I understand the deeper meaning of things and has understood the importance of small things that I often ignored. But I feel, at what cost. Loosing my mother to Covid has taken away everything from me. I no more feel sense in pursuits of life that made meaning to me a year back. I am looking for that safe haven again.  Not hopeful but waiting for time to show what new it has stored for me.

Today I completed reading the very famous book by a very renowned writer, Khaled Hosseini. He is not the one who wrote to be a best seller, but he wrote selfishly for himself. The name of the book is"A Thousand Splendid Suns". After I finished reading the book, the very first thought that came to my mind was                                         "It opened the closed doors"  I felt a very deep lingering pain that I had subsumed inside a part of my heart years ago.  Violence against women, when they were treated as animals, only used for having sex and bearing babies especially boys.We have come so far.  But while reading the novel, my heart cried for the pain and struggle women have been through even after India got freedom and the constitution came into being on 26th January 1950 (even though as per writer it was all happening in Afghanistan). Th...

She was like a wind That many tried to capture her in a jar But no one actually owned her There was something wrong about her  that attracted men of good nature.... So many times in life, we run after certain things that seem fit for us whether in terms of friendships, relationship or our future decisions.  But have we stopped and thought what are those standards that we use to decide upon what is right or wrong for us. Being loved by someone and loving them back is one important decision that we make in life but then when we set our standards straight why do we have failed relationships.  Now, you would say things such as love fades, too many expectations and wrong perception of the person we fall in love with. But do you really think love is small enough to be shaken by such reasons. Why do we look at other person to feel completed or make them the soul source of our happiness? Why not find happiness within self and give abundant o...

Here comes 2017, the year filled with lots of hope, happiness, an endless wait to find someone you can be passionate for and in the way finding yourself. Readers, resolutions, you are very well aware of this word. A word, that represents a promise to self to do things the right way. But wait for a second, for how long we are able to follow those promises that we make to ourselves. And do you really think there is any such thing needed that we need to bind ourselves with to follow a better life. With all my good and bad experience in life, I have learned until and unless a person doesn’t feel passionate about a cause or a feeling, no one can force them to. There she was standing by the window, Waiting for the rain to stop Her fear of getting wet Getting judged by strangers Never let her truly enjoy the feeling of being free. All we need is to make a promise to self to live truly and freely with compassion. Making resolutions and binding ourselves with chains...

When I was a kid, I had this habit of asking my mom to say these words: “The day is going to be great”. At that time this belief held so much power that still till date I ask her to repeat these words when it’s a big day for me or I’m going through a rough patch such as bad marks in semesters, heart break, fight with a friend, when I’m sick and many more. I can say all of this in full breath , trust me , readers!!! It’s so much important to be assured of positive things in life, I mean being positive. With demonetization, Trump’s surprise win, increasing inflation everything seems to be haunting us, that what next is left to happen. The time from when I wake up to the time I sleep, I’m fed with many pessimistic thoughts, but I choose to be positive , believe in me and that keeps me rocking and happy! So do you think , we shall really wait for something good to happen to us or shall we make a promise to ourselves to be happy and smiling and surround ourselves with positiv...

Hello Folks, I hope you are doing great! Life has been a rocky business but they say it has its own ways to help you be a person of substance. Sometimes I wonder, if I have never faced any problem, would I be so strong today. It’s so strange, I have cried like 1000 liters of tears all my life, but every tear taught me a new story with a very beautiful lesson like petals of a flower unfurling one by one.   I sit on my couch today and feel like a Buddhist monk who is changed from a girl who got upset on small silly things to a lady who values even smallest gestures in life and ready to analyze thing from other’s person perspective. The journey has been very tough and don’t know how much more tough it’s going to be. But today I stand with wide open arms staring right in the eyes of life and saying let’s LIVE it. There have been two lessons which life taught me the hard way: importance of family and friends as well as real meaning of love. After coming to host...

Hi readers, it’s been long that I wrote and shared my experiences with you. Stepping into 24 has been a whole new experience for me. The Independence that I feel is lifting me every moment and helping me to turn into a lady from that small girl who was swayed by all the things that sparkled. It’s no more about words; it’s much more than that. Hearing those unsaid words in complete silence and understanding everything such as those rain drops on the leaves, the birds chirping, people walking on the footpath, a small kid sitting on the railing and waving bye. Everything makes sense now. Falling in love is no more the same as it was used to be. No more butterflies, no more excitement. It’s a serene feeling that takes you to a whole new world wherein everything is not accountable and yes it’s not forced even.   It’s like a drop of water falling onto the leaves and finding their own way, so effortless. But sometimes I wonder how things have changed, it’s no more about thos...